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07:10pm 05/05/2010
  What a strange strange time
School is done (for now) and my marks are in and it went better than expected which is quite the relief.
I have been feeling kinda sick of late, not a head cold but a constant stomach ache, enough to make the world seem weird
I am back working at Don Cherry's which is nice because i know it and it means that i didn't have to go through the process of begging for a job anywhere but bad because it means that i am right back where i left off.
My man is the most wonderful man in the whole wide world. i know a few of you ladies out there have wonderful men and probably think that they are the best but allow me to assure you that mine really is ;)
He called me all proud today, his benefits have finally kicked in at the job he has been working for the last 3 months. 2 months ago i was complaining of a tooth ache and so he opted for the premium package at his work so that both him and myself are 85% covered for dental and 100% covered for medical. He said he opted for this on purpose because he likes my smile and that if we wanted to have a baby in the next few years he wanted to make sure that all our bases were covered.
In sadder news my Grandfather who has been the light of my life is depressed and wants to end his life. It is so weird for me because i feel like i have helped so many with their problems with suicide but i feel powerless when it comes to my own family. He is 90 years old and in pain and i guess what bothers me most is that i dont really blame him, if it was 90 and broken i can't say that i would want to go on for ever either.
My father is picking me up tonight and we are having a kind of "intervention" to see what needs to happen next.
i guess i should get ready for that now. All i wanted to do was chill out for the night but it seems that is just not in the cards.
well lets see how it all plays out
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10:21am 25/03/2010
  It has been so long...
Since i have made a real post, yes, but what i was referring to is that it has been so long since i have felt excited about school. And now the feeling is back
I feel like i could move mountains if i wanted to.
I calculated it a while back while i was in the worst of it, it has been since November that i was down about school. Thats a long time for me to have the blues.
And this turn around is all thanks to Connie Kristianson taking me on as for my Thesis next year.
may i say for anyone who has not had the opportunity to attempt ti find a Thesis supervisor that it is one of the most degrading painful long and confusing experiences i have ever experienced at school. It is like a job interview from hell where you are not even sure what it is that you are getting into or what exactly will be expected of you. Oh i am so lucky to have had things finally work out, and not even because of grit! This came together from good word of mouth.
... I just looked at the clock and realized that there is no way that i can do this justice in the time
so suffice to say that i am happy, no i am beaming!
The next year will be as challenging as ever but i will be working towards a subject i ADORE
... the psychology of Buddhism.
and not only that i am working with a well renowned Social Psychology Professor whom i adore and who it turns out thinks that i am pretty awesome as well
Now i just need to get through these papers that are looming over me, chop through some exams and then on to summer mode

I think this year i will attempt to do a lot of camping.
God life is good
01:43pm 12/01/2010
  if i can pull it all together this will be the term of AWESOME
as opposed to last term which was the term of crap

the classes i am taking seem pretty cool, dropped my only real morning class which is good, I picked up another CUTV class to take its place.
It seems that i dont do mornings in the winter, unless under threat of being fired and letting down really good people who trusted me with the responsibility of opening the restaurant nothing seems to get me out of bed in the morning
For the longest time i was blaming this on two things, the comfort level of the bed and the fact that i awake every morning in a love sandwich.
First our bed has possibly been sent by heaven as an incentive package for me to continue doing good in life by giving me a small taste of what sleeping on clouds feels like. It is not that it is super soft or anything it is just that perfect level of comfort, firm enough to feel suported but comfortable and soft enough that you can lose yourself in it
Secondly a love sandwich. This is when you wake up comfortable, naked, and sandwiched in between two people who love you, in this case my puppy and my hubby. I am generally the meat in the sandwich as nic likes to hug the wall and Lilly always sleeps closest to the edge so she can come and go from the bed as she pleases. She usually sleeps in a small plush donut bed we got for her that we keep on the floor of our room. However she is a light sleeper, when she is not dreaming and kicking up a storm, and as soon as i begin to stir she notices and hops up onto the bed to complete the sandwich. Its nice really

However this niceness seems to keep me in bed longer than i intend and i have noticed a real lack of motivation on my part to do anything that starts before noon.
Another factor that i have recently noticed that has been hard to handle is how little sun i really get. I have been even thinking of buying myself a tanning session just to stimulate vitamin D production in my skin. Lack of sun has a real downer effect on my life. I am a solar powered machine. In the summer when the sun gets up early, i get up early. But in the winter when the sun rises and it is not even really noticeable, well i figure i might as well just stay in bed.
-today i have found a nice place in the Loeb building with a large window and a bench pulled right up against it, i have taken off all the clothing i can without rise of causing a stir and am attempting to jump start my system with a healthy dose of sun bathing

That being said life is good. My birthday was nice, uneventful but nice. New years was fun. Christmas was awesome. But i am actually more excited by the prospect of getting back to a good life than all these things.
My office needs organizing so that i can get the most out of my study space... and house in general
but i have big plans for this year. Daft Punk Alive album is my theme song for the recreation of my life.
lyrics like "alright do you need it? its good for you. Cus i need it too." And a pounding base reminding my that life is not sedation, it is doing things... definitely what i need right now
I want to start exercising again (some time next week probably) and to learn my lesson form last term and really buckle down on this one. Last year i let my classes kick my butt, the damage wasn't TOO bad when the marks really came in but i am still not going to let that happen again. I felt like crap almost all the time last term, isolated from almost everyone but Nic, constantly playing catch up, constantly feeling tired from starting work every weekend at 6:30am, never having a real day off.... it was all crap. More tears than i am proud of fell last term and the wells are shut now, the trick? Planning.

This week, give my two weeks notice at work, it is just what needs to get done. Money is not worth sanity, especially when it is not survival money, it is just screwing around and living comfortably money. I would trade going out every now and then and buying random stuff i dont need to feel like i can enjoy a weekend every now and then, even if it is on a budget
Last night i had an awesome burst of energy and cleaned the f-ing hell outta the back room and i am hoping that soon it will be a useable safe haven for me to go into lock down and get the shit i need done. I am going to have a long conversation with Nic setting up some ground rules for this term. It is nice to spend time together and relax and watch movies and all that, but these are some times things, not every night stuff. Just because i have had a hard day does not mean it is ok for me to just take a break. Breaks are for when the work is done. period. i have faith in my relationship enough that even if we have to downsize pleasurable activities we will still come through the other side

God i love this album. It just makes me want to get up and do things.
the remix of one more time gets me smiling
Oh and i am starting to have the smallest little sweat from being in the sun

yes, i will climb back on my horse and once more be the hero i know i am capable of being...
the 4 month Alex make over has begun.

oh yeah did i mention? If i get this all done the way i want, i get to go to India at the end? Hee hee hee
07:24pm 12/12/2009
  God moves in mysterious ways
me i just take the bus

i go to see the torch relay go by twice today
once i was even standing next to guy who was about to be lit up when the first runner came down. Those torches are COOL
Some guy kept asking if he could light his smoke off of it... ah.

i took the weekend as a penalty to work on my essay instead of handing in a super crappy rushed one on Friday
Now i am wondering if i made the right decision because i am finding it super hard to focus and in all honesty i just really don't wanna

Why has this term been so hard on me? It is finally coming to a close but i feel like instead of going out with a bang i am going out with a wimper...
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10:52am 12/11/2009
mood: nerdy
In the last two weeks i have not been to school very much though i have been doing school work like mad. It is interesting, in years gone by would have never thought of skipping class but now it not only seems like a good idea but sometimes a necessity.
I was having a conversation about this transition with a girl in my seminar group. We were talking about how University is suppose to teach you how to think, and it does, kinda. For the first few years it taught me to be critical of information that is presented to me, to weigh what it was saying, what that meant, and where the information was coming from and then either to accept it and place it within my symposium of knowledge or to reject it and figure out why. First year of full time was different, Nic wasn't around, i was homeless, jobless and school was the only priority i had. It was easier to stay on top of things and not only that but to stay well a head of things. Jacky was across the country and kyle was no where to be found so i really felt like i was on my own, but in a good way. Last year was beautiful but very different, Nic and I were attempting to put together our first home which seemed to take up forever. This was partially because we started in september right as school was starting, this meant that i did not have as much time to dedicate to school or the million projects around my home that i wanted to get to so neither one got done very well. The idea was that we would have the office as a sanctuary for me to retreat into to do my homework but that never got set up and by the time we got all the junk off the floor kyle ways staying with us. This was a very hard year for me academically. Several times i almost lost my head, and in the first term my marks really suffered. By second term though was when i noticed the change start to happen, it was not that i had to study harder but study smarter. Listen to the lectures, figure out where the prof has their focus (either the tests will be taken from the lecture slides? the text book? a combination of both?) figure out where the information is focused and then just hover all attention there and cut the rest out. instead of doing hours and hours of studying i would only have to do maybe 2 intense hours covering the really important stuff. Right after reading something say it out loud so that you process it deeply, instead of coming back to the same idea and having to read it time and again. I did an assessment of myself and my style of learning, i am very much an auditory learner so i would listen in class to do my deep learning instead of going over my notes a hundred times. All this proved the beginning of something larger...
i remember going to my Motivation and Emotions exam and these two guys were talking (more like bragging really) about how they had not even opened the book and had only been to a few key lectures and other then that had looked over the slides to study. I thought they were crazy! There is no way they could get a good mark doing this....right?
It seems there is a formula to it, figure out what the Prof feels is important and then just focus there.
how do you figure out what the prof thinks is important...i don't actually know, this is the part i am having trouble explaining, it just kinda comes to me. Something in their face when they are lecturing lets me know "this is going to be an exam question" or sometimes it is something in the way the slides are ordered that gives it away. This is probably from putting in so many hours of going to class and eventually developing an eye for it but it seems to work so far.
This term i wish i had some noble goal to claim as the reason i am behind and playing the catch up game. Sure i work 2 days a week, volunteer about 3-4 days a month and the have school 5 days a week, but despite how much that sounds as long as it is scheduled correctly it really isn't all that bad. So what has been killing me?
Me. I am enjoying life. I see my friends at least once a week. In the evenings when Nic gets home at 9 i will sit down with him and watch a movie or play a game. When you are going to school and doing all these other things you are really not allowed to sit down and watch movies every week, a movie is like a once a month treat when you are balancing a hectic schedule. And this is why i am skipping class today. When it comes down to exams there is a set amount of hours that you have to put into studying to get a certain mark. Last midterm in this class i didn't put them in and i got my first 60% in university.... and i deserved it. i was cocky and i got burned. Now i have 31 hours before this exam, i have 3 hours left of video to get through and about 3 chapters to read....definitely not great but not the worst either. With a full 12 hours of work today, a good night sleep and another 5 hours before the exam tomorrow i think i can actually be ready in time. hopefully at least.
But it still begs the question... what am i doing rambling on here when i really should be working on studying
Agnes Nicholas 1911-2009   
09:28pm 10/11/2009
mood: reflective
My Aunt Agnes died of a stroke today
She had had a previous stroke only 3 days ago and had been in a coma since. They said that she would have been paralyzed completely on her left side had she woken up so it is probably best that she didn't. She was 98 years old but smart as a whip and very much alive. I have many find memories of her, i think i am the only one of the grandchildren who does.
Oh i should probably clarify, i have always called her Ma T'aunt Agnes even though she is my grandfathers sister (i am not really sure what that would make her in relation to me) simply because that is what all my Aunt and Uncles use to call her. I use to visit her in Gaspe bay when i was young and saw her recently for my grandfathers 90th birthday just a while ago. She really wanted to live to see 100. Her 99th birthday would have been on December 1st so she came pretty close.

I attribute a lot of my kindness to my grandfather, my grandfather attributes a lot of his kindness to her as his mother died while he was a teen and my Aunt Agnes became the matriarch as she was the oldest sibling. She use to always call me Sunshine.

I will miss her.
my mom sent me this and it made me laugh   
03:56pm 08/11/2009
  In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:


Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely NO recollection of what to do with them.
11:11am 03/11/2009
  Ever watch yourself headed for a bad decision and not pull up?
Seems i have had that feeling all term. I am allowing things to creep up on me and then become down on myself when i am stuck cramming right before things are due.
This is not how i generally operate so it throws me for a bit of a loop.

Once again i am under the wire, 2 days before my midterm and i dont know shit, i am suppose to review all the corrections my prof made for my Ethics submission and send that in (technically this was suppose to be a group thing but my group is lame and tends to just allow one person to do all the work) and i am 1.5 weeks from another exam that i am also not ready for :(

And my house is a mess, but i have at least come up with a solution for this.
My mom is currently unemployed and feels bad when i lend her money, she has too much time on her hands and it is making her nuts, so i made her an offer, walking Lilly and light cleaning around our house for 10$ an hour. It helps both of us. She is high on the commodity of time and low on cash, we are ok on the commodity of cash and low on time, mutually beneficial. I have to admit i do feel kinda odd about this, like i should just be giving her the cash instead of getting her to work for it because she is my mom and i would do anything for her. She simply wont let me just give it to her though, she says it screws things up in her mind about the way things are suppose to be. She already gets super depressed when ever she has to come to me to borrow money, she says it makes her feel like a bad mom because daughters are suppose to borrow cash off their mothers and not the other way around. I understand though, and really i know she is always good for it so it is never a problem. I guess this way she gets to feel that sense of accomplishment (even if it is just doing cleaning) that she doesn't have to feel like it is charity.

Anyways other then that life is pretty good. Our little family is doing well, the dog is happy, nic is constantly busy but happy. He has realized that he does not want to keep up this mad man pace of working two jobs for much longer. He is currently working on average 9 days in a row doing generally 10 hour shifts a day. This is on top of class every monday for his PhD. The money is good and he says he is putting it all away to build us a little nest egg but i dont want a secure future at the cost of his sanity right now. He said that he would quit the second job by the end of November.

Oh does anyone know any reason out side of pregnancy that my boobs would become swollen and tender? I have yet to go to a doctor about this because, well, honestly because it is kinda nice with my boobs all swollen, they look so plump! but it is starting to get to the point where if they graze by something i wince in pain. I am not pregnant, i have peed on a few sticks by now just to make sure, each one coming up negative (which is a good thing because i have also been drinking a lot, like last sunday i polished off a 26er by myself and didn' t even notice! Fall tends to do that to me though). The only thing i can think of is that at the beginning of September i went off my depo, i have been trying to get my period back so that i can go on the pill instead. it has been 2 months and i haven't seen any sight of it. I keep wondering if the swollen boobs might be a product of that? If anyone has any ideas please let me know, Nic says that if it keeps up i should go to a doctor. It has so far been like this for almost 2 weeks.
07:32pm 30/10/2009
  I just saw this on some bodies facebook page, i wasn't tagged in it or anything, i just thought it was neat so i stole it.


What is your salad dressing of choice?
some kinda herbed greek

What is your favourite sit-down restaurant?
Pub Italia

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?

What are your pizza toppings of choice?
olives, mushrooms, pepperoni (but put on top so it gets nice and crispy) and LOTS of Cheese

What do you like to put on your toast?
butter and fresh cracked black pepper, if you haven't tried it yet Try It


How many televisions are in your house?
1 giant one but with no cable, just DVDs and the internet

What colour is your cellphone?

Do you have an iPod?


Are you right-handed or left-handed?

What is the last heavy item you lifted?
boxes filled with books when i set up my house

Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
no but i have fainted in public a few times


If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
Yes because then i could be fearless up until that day

If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Catrina May

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
i would try but i would probably gag and throw up so i dont know if they would still give me the cash



Day of the week?
Thursday, Sunday



Missing someone?
Yeah but he will be home soon

happy but tired

What are you listening to?
the hum of the fan in my bathroom because i forgot to turn it off

Current worry?
school stuff


First place you went this morning?
walk the dog, it was nice, i let her chase squirrels

What's the last movie you saw?
Zombie land

Do you smile often?
almost all the time


How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
none, i really dont like things that go between my toes

Last person you talked to?

Last person you hugged?

Do you always answer your phone?
No i have a cell phone for my convenience, not to be a slave to.

It's four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?
Possibly Jacky or Kyle would be the first people i would think of

If you could change your eye color what would it be?
purple on the outside of my iris slowly working its way dow to brown

Do you own a digital camera?
Naw i have Jacky, that means i dont need a camera

Have you ever had a pet fish?
I once had a fish for 5 years that out lasted all the other fish i had, his name was Kisser and he grew from the size of a toonie to eventually be the size of a dollar bill

Favouite Christmas song?
This may sound weird but i have a deep seeded hatred for Christmas music, with the exception of occasionally the charlie brown christmas music

Your wish list for your birthday?
Not much really, ummm... maybe some new clothes?

Can you do push ups?
Sadly no, which is strange because i am otherwise quite strong

Can you do the splits?

Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
Excited, i like new things.

Do you have any saved texts?
a few

Have you ever been in a car accident?
Nothing serious, just bumped fenders

Do you have an accent?
No and i suck at imitating them as well

What was the last movie to make you cry?
Oh man it was something cheezy, but i really cant remember

Plans tonight?
Homework and chillin with my man

Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
Ah yes, my 23rd birthday, it was that hard to bounce back though, just had to learn to say no

Name 3 things you bought yesterday?
Sushi, coffee, poop bags for the dog

Have you ever been given roses?
yup a few times now

Met someone who changed your life?
I have been blessed with being able to meet several life changing people so far

Name two people who might complete this?
i have no idea

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
Possibly to like woodstock or something but just to visit, i like my life now

Do you have any tattoos/piercings?
piercings 3 in each lobe, 1 in the top cartilage of my left ear, 1 belly, 1 unmentionable, a tattoo the top of my right food of a fish, on my right ankle of a lotus, above my left ankle of a rose and the chinese character for Goddess on my left hip

Does anyone love you?
fortunately yes

Would you be a pirate?
oh hells ya

What songs do you sing in the shower?

Ever had someone sing to you?
Nic sings to me constantly, i mean CONSTANTLY. He is always rewriting songs with what ever we are doing as the new lyrics

When did you last cry?
amazingly enough i had a complete and utter break down in the bathroom of the Rideau center for no good reason

Have you held hands with anyone today?
With Nic while he drove me in to school

Who was the last person you took a picture of?
I don't have a camera remember?

Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
OLD, my youngest friend i have had for like 4 years, a good chunk of the people i am really good friends with i have been hanging out with for more then a decade

Do you like pulpy orange juice?
the pulpier the better
04:55pm 22/10/2009
  18 hours left before i have to hand in this assignment
Dont get me wrong the subject matter is great stuff but i just know he is expecting something amazing if i have any hope of getting an A
i dream of vacations. Someplace warm would be nice but unrealistic. I would love to just go for a day or so to Montreal, pretend that life is fancy free, do some shopping...
better get back to work if at some point in those 18 hours i hope to get some sleep :(
09:01pm 18/10/2009
  why am i finding all of my assignments so hard this year?
why am i struggling to really take the reigns and produce the work i know i can?
i have a terrible tendency when afraid to replace fear with apathy. If you don't care you don't get hurt.
But I am having a really hard time convincing myself that i don't care about how well i do.
I feel like i am slowing down right as i approach the finish line which is when you really have to give it your all.
i need to figure something out and quick as the next little while is a ticking time bomb and if i can not defuse it it will blow up all over my face
a nearly perfect day   
06:58pm 08/10/2009
  yesterday was the great clean, mom came over in the morning and we finally got at the last of the setting up that the house needed. I finally put up my shelves and made my audience (all the little statues and nicknacks that i own are now on the wall behind me facing the TV with my like some giant live studio audience. Also i got through that massive pile of laundry that was slowly taking over the floor in my room.
All this cleaning was great but it left me with little time and little strength left at the end of the day to put towards the studying that i was suppose to be doing for the exam i had today. So i went to bed early with the intention of just getting to it today
And what a day it has been! I woke up around 8 and had some coffee in bed while i read through my chapters getting ready for my exam at 11:30. Nic slept beside me the whole time, keeping me warm and making me smile every few minutes with his cute mornings sleep faces. By the time i felt reasonably prepared for the exam i still had 10 minutes left before i had to hop into the shower so i curled back up in bed and enjoyed the last of the warm snuggles. Once the alarm went off i popped into the shower while nic made breakfast, bacon and cheese sandwiches! He then drove me into school. On our way down the Riverside i got to see so many of Ottawa's wildlife locals hanging out in the water. I saw two herons, several ducks and even our pair of while swans.
Got to school, wrote the exam, which was pretty easy i am happy to say. Got out in time to discover that my financial woes were soon to be done with, my OSAP has finally arrived and will be done and in my bank account in a matter of days. Also the butterfly exhibit is on at Carleton right now. For three years now i see it advertised and have always wanted to check it out but every year it seems i let it slip by without me making time for it, but not this time. It was possibly one of the most beautiful things i have seen in a long time. Two large greenhouses with butterflies and giant moths flying freely all over them. There were easily hundreds of them, some as large as my hand (a few of the moths that were chilling out in this special area were easily almost as big as my head). Right as i was leaving a troupe of kids from a local daycare were showing up and they handed the children cut oranges so that the butterflies would come over and land on them, it was such a sight to see the wonder in their eyes as butterfly after butterfly started to come and land on them. For one or two of the little ones this was just a little too creepy and they started to cry but most of them were really good about moving very slowly so as not to scare them and paying attention so as not to touch their wings.
On the way home i had to take my new OSAP forms and bring them to a special post office to send off (kinda like a money order i guess) and the closest one was a St Laurant. As i was walking by i noticed that La Vie en Rose was having a super 2 for 1 sale and decided to spend 30$ and get myself some nice new lingerie (to anyone who has been feeling a little rollypolly i totally recommend them, they had stuff for all forms and figures which was good because i am still toting around my little pot belly that i have yet to shake off)
Then when i got home to walk lilly we ended up going out for at least and hour and a half adventure to check out more of the neighborhood, found a new gourmet food place and bought some special cheeses and pate for tonight when Nic gets home. Then once i bought those i realized i could just serve them alone so we continued our walk up to Montreal road found the closest LCBO to get a bottle of wine to go with our dinner.
Seeing as how it was already shaping up to be an awesome night i also stopped in rented a new shooter game for Nic and i to play on the Wii tonight called Dead Space: Extraction.
On our way home Lilly and I took the long way along the water and there we saw the pair of black swans that also live in the same water as i saw everything else earlier this morning. We stopped for a while and watched them swim gently along. It really helped me to remember how very VERY lucky i am and how lovely life can really be.
Now to go set up everything for when Nic gets home tonight!
06:45pm 07/10/2009
cleaning my house instead of doing homework
How productive, and yet... not
12:24pm 30/09/2009
  it may finally be time
my OSAP is going to be here soon.
which is much better then several weeks ago when it was completely on hiatus, at this point it is just in limbo but still observable from a distance

Dont get me wrong i love that Nic helps to take care of me and that our little family really is a little family (families that care share) but i just want a little financial independence
... but now in about 2 weeks i will finally get my OSAP and i can pay him back for all the money he has lent me in the last little while and get all my bills under control :)

In other news Nic got a new job offer that he might take, it is another group home but instead of just working for them he would be in charge of the home. This is awesome because the home he works for now is run by a guy he has made it clear that he will never step down and never relinquish any of his power, which means that there is very limited room for Nic to grow. in this New home Nic would be in charge, he would have a staff of about 6 reporting to him and he would work with the clinicians to set up structure and programing for the kids there (not sure if this home is also going to be all boys but i do know that they will be slightly higher functioning then the boys he is currently working with)
And Nic's favorite part of all of this... it comes with a big fat juicy pay raise. Since internalizing the idea of wanting to take care of me as well as the idea of having enough to one day start a family he has been very interested in looking at options that would allow these things to flurish. I think the start is something like 3$ more an hour then what he is making and after 1 month he gets the full raise which i am told is significantly more.
This he tells me is the money he wants to put aside to take me to India next year when i finish school
or i guess i should say if i finish school. Recently i have run into a few snags outside of just my financial woes that have lead me to wonder if i will be ready to Graduate at the end of Summer or if i will need another term... my mind seems full of questions. I have an appointment this week with an academic councellor to kinda figure out a little more about what would be required of me. It just seems like a lot.
Ok well class is about to start soon,
hopefully i will have an update in me soon that does not just focus around my school life and money problems
08:58am 24/09/2009
  please save me from the things i put myself infront of

like a class that was suppose to be a bird class that is now attempting to kill me with its intense workload :(

Mysticism is quickly turning from mind blowingly awesome, to painstackingly bad, and the worst part is i am not even sure how it happened...
Maybe it is the weekly reading assignments and weekly papers we have to write on the subject...
yeah i think that might be it.

the Prof is excellent to listen to, but the text book, oh the text book!!! it is terrible!
And everyweek i have to read about 75pages and write a 3-4 page paper on it....I DON'T THINK SO! i am currently trying to work though all the other things that i currenly have to do to simply survive my Seminar class that is necessary for my graduation, i simply don't have time to give this class the dedication it asks.

So because i still need to fill a credit but it can be in anything i am going to take
why? because it looks semi interesting and is on CUTV so i can do it at any point that i would like.
cheap? Yes.
Do i feel guilty? Not really
If i want to learn about my spiritual quest i think i would like to do so outside of the pressures of my academic quest. Originally i thought the two could blend but it turns out that no they can not.
Plus i like hippy dippy earth science courses and generally find the information easy to digest
Oh well.

In other news my home is coming a long beautifully. Almost all rooms are starting to resemble REAL ROOMS! There are not boxes everywhere, my office i finally functional as an office (sure there is still a microwave in it but at least it is tucked away neatly). It is now down to two main piles, one on the floor of our room of all the clothes that need to be sorted through for the salvation army and the other in the living room of all the things that still need a home. But just looking at how far we have come in so little time i am really hopeful about how quickly we can accomplish the last of it.
its a familiar tune so see if you can name that song...   
12:41pm 16/09/2009
  that ever familiar feeling of nerves concerning school. Usually it only come about closer to exam time, or possibly in the middle of winter term when i feel myself being warn thin. This time however it is only the second week of school and already when i look at my schedule i feel slightly overwhelmed
which i guess is fair, i mean every year i move up a level and every year they up the anti (is that how you spell anti, as in a bet?)
but reading is not my strong suit. learning, listening, applying, all things i excel at. Reading for hours on end has a tendency to slow me down. I am still one of those people who has not mastered speed reading as i like to sound the words out in my head like a narrative so as to give myself time to really think about what is being presented to me. My manor of reading allows me to excel on things like comprehension but is sure to set me back in a competition on quickness.
So my classes this term are...*drum roll*
Stats 3000 - the necessary evil that i originally attempted over the summer but then dropped in place of abnormal so that i could have some semblance of a summer. I feel that though this will be a difficult class it will not be my hardest as we are going at a relatively ok pace and the fact that i already covered the first 3 chapters in the short time i did have it over the summer
Applied Social Psychology 3000- one of my FAVORITE professors has come out of retirement to teach 1 last time. This course is his baby and instead of the usual format he is going to have open discussion and simply share with us what he has learned over the last 40 year about the subject. His personal study of interest, Tests and Contests, according to him life is made up of limited resources and there are only two real problems in this life, you either want something and you don't have it or you have something and you don't want it and to solve these problems life puts us through a number of test and contest.... i will be posting more about what i learn from this on here as i think it is a valuable life lesson that we all potentially can take something from.
OH!!! and the best part of this class.... No midterm and No final!!! how does he get away with this? It is his last year teaching and in his own words "what are they going to do? fire me?" Instead every week we are expected to keep a journal where we are to write 2 page entries about what we talked about in class/the readings and how we can see this in application in real life. The journal and its content will be worth 100% of our final mark. I must admit that because of the unusualness of this approach i am a little apprehensive but as i said one of the areas where i excel is application so here goes nothing
Then coming in as what could be considered intellectual relief is my one and only non-PSYC course
Mysticism 2000- This is a religion course that seems promising in its subject matter but with a RIDICULOUS accompanying reading load. For the first day of class i was suppose to have some odd 100 pages of a book that is not even in at the bookstore yet because the publishers don't have enough of it under my belt already. 100 pages might not seem that much to some but when it is a summary of great text of every major religion that has been around on this planet for the last 5000 it is not light reading. However, it is fascinating. This is a course that speaks directly to my soul, the laid back prof and his seemingly endless personal references of knowledge is breath taking to be around. This one also has an accompanying weekly journal that i am expected to keep (which in a way is nice because it forces me to keep on top of the readings but at the same time is a double egded sword because sometimes there simply isn't enough time in a week to digest 100 pages and write a review for, especially on weeks when i have other things due) with a final exam at the end. Oh yeah and there is a massive research paper that goes with it that is also due at the end of the term.
Then there is my final and possibly scariest class
Social Psychology Seminar - this class is basically the prep class for writing my thesis either this summer or next year and DEAR GOD I AM SHITTING MY PANTS ALREADY. By the end of the fall term we are suppose to have written one experiment 20pages, 1 questionaire that we have to actually hound the halls of Carleton for first year students willing to give my their time to fill it out (it is just like phone surveys except your marks depend on this going well and the rejection you get is in person instead of buffered through a phone), write 2 full length critics of professional experiements that have been chosen for us, and work in a group of 4 (i hate group work) to create another experiement that we later in the winter term have to carry out. PLUS an insane amount of reading due each week which will guide us through the projects and no time in class will be spent on!
this class is twice a week for 3 hours and frankly is making me wonder if i am actually cut out for Honors. I could have graduated by now with a regular BA, this is all the extra stuff that is necessary if i want to go onto Masters....
and in all honesty looking at this years schedule i am really not sure if i do any more
i suddenly feel like i have gone from big fish in a small pond to small fish in a big pond. Everyone in my class is as smart or smarter then me, i am no longer special and truth be told i dont like it.
it may not be the prettiest thing to say but it is honest. At least i know that if i am at this level and forced into doing group work i will at least be surrounded by other people who have had to put in as much effort as i have and thus have weeded out most of the slackers, but still.
I am spooked. It is not that i think that i can't accomplish all these ridiculous tasks, it is just the appraisal as to how much work would be involved for me to actually do them well... and it seems like a lot, like a hell of a lot.

i guess i should really stop complaining and start on some of those assigned readings i was talking about...
but instead i think i will walk the dog and think more on my plan of attack, because that is one thing i can tell for sure about this term, a lot of planning is going to be needed to make it through to the other side
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12:11pm 08/09/2009
  I was suppose to start school today but it is really only hand the sylabus out, explain the breakdown and rules against plagerism and then be sent home day so i decided it might be better to stay in bed and enjoy cuddles time, and boy was i right, that was an awesome way to spend a morning.
I even made a rockin breakfast, cheese covered pinwheels, potato ladkas, easy over eggs...mmm fattening
i realize that though the food i make is good for you (made with lots of natural stuff) it is not really healthy in that low fat kinda way. Seems i am gonna have to work on that.
I have been kinda all over the place excited this morning. Took a look at some of my course breakdowns and it looks like there is going to be a lot of interesting things to learn this year, i am especially looking forward to mysticism, it looks like it is going to be a killer course!
07:55pm 07/09/2009
  oh my poor feets, how sore they are. One to many opening shifts with all the running around that goes with them.
That and for some terrible reason i really can't find my runners anymore so i am stuck in my uncomfortable shoes. Waitressing + uncomfortable shoes = extremely painful.
Oh well, at least i am done for the week, now it is back to the other grind... SCHOOL!
This will potentially be my last year in undergrad... exciting i know.
I have mostly 3000 level psych classes with a few of my religion classes thrown in there for good measure.
i rather like the religion classes they offer at Carleton, this term i am taking Early Christianity, which will probably prove to be hard but interesting (the teacher is a real hard ass) and mysticism which has the potential to be super cool.
I am going to bring my working down to 2 shifts a week, maybe 3 should my work really need me, and take 4 instead of 5 courses per term. This is intended to be a balanced work week with 3 shifts of volunteering on the phones thrown in a month (2 day and 1 over night). At the moment it all sounds semi reasonably manageable but i know me, my eyes are often bigger then my stomach so what looks like it would be a bite size morsel has a tendency to be more then a mouthful.
....Oh and my OSAP is FUBARed but i will figure that out once school actually start :( ...don't ask because even i don't know what or how that happened

So with all this in mind Nic had a proposal for me, quit work, focus on school and he will take care of all the money problems. Sounds a little to good to be true for me. Though i love being a house wife, i do not like the idea of being dependent on someone else, ya know? I mean it would be nice to be able to focus only on school and have more time for things like my volunteering, the puppy, our home... but the idea of having to go to someone else to have to clear with them every time i want to make a purchase just doesn't sit well with me. Nic says it wouldn't be like that, that we could work something out so it would not be all "Daddy, Daddy can i buy these?" He wants so much to help me. I have tried to explain to him that i watch something similar between my parents, Bob paid for everything and kMom was in charge of taking care of everything... and for a while i am sure it was good, but then the layers set in and the power struggles began and slowly eroded all that they once were to each other. I don't think that would happen to me and Nic but i am not in any hurry to put it to the test.
I dunno. Maybe i should just ask him to lower how much i rent i pay a month so i can work on better digging myself out of this seemingly bottemless hole of debt that i seem to have fallen into.
Have i ever mentioned that i dislike money? *sigh*

Anyways there is an hour before my man gets him and i was hoping to surprise him with a nice dinner prepared from fresh goodies from the market that i picked out on my way home. Tonight in the first night in several days where i do not have to get up at 5:30am the next morning to make sure that i am at work at 6:30. Now with my days starting at their earliest at 8:30am for school this week i feel like i am sleeping in!
06:23pm 29/08/2009
  man am i tired. i should nap because i have a lot to get done in the next little while.
there is so much to do, but at least we are pretty much in the clear for all the pain in the butt stuff with moving at least, now it is just the fun stuff left to do, setting up the new place. I really think this home is going to work out to be a beautiful place.
Ways you know you have gotten into a good neighborhood...   
10:02pm 23/08/2009
  When you plan to bring cake to your neighbors to introduce yourself to them and they beat you to the punch by knocking on your door and offering you cake first!
They seems so super nice! The one lady who lives in the basement brought us a big thing of carrot cake, i had a huge raspberry cream cake that kmom had dropped off for us so i wouldn't have to cook on my last day of cramming before my exam tomorrow (she also dropped of some AMAZING apple baked ribs!)

When the neighbors came in they said the don't mind lilly because she only barks when the door down stairs opens and closes and they think that is a good thing because it helps us be safe. They seem like such awesome people!

I can't even fully express how happy i feel right now, like everything is really falling into place this time.
when i have some more time after my exam tomorrow i will write more